Stomach is still no good. My body totally hates me right now. That's fine. I can deal.I think so at least.

Popcorn and Junior Mints might just be the devil.My stomach is majorly cranky.Let's hope this goes away very very very soon. The HP movie was awesome though.

I'm typing this from my Blackberry. That means this entry won't be very long. Earlier I was struggling to stay wake, but seems I've hit a bit of a second wind.Funny how that happens,huh?

So, its time for me to start applying for jobs. I'm nervous about it and don't really have the confidence that someone great will hire me. Maybe this is the perfect time to watch The Secret? If all else fails there's always Avon. They're still hiring,right?

By the way, I'm feeling jipped with music lately. Can anyone offer something up for me? Hit me with your best shot. Get it? Ha.

Okay Lovies, I'm off to watch Dance Your Ass off. I know I know. I can feel the brain cells dying.

Night,
Amy

Tonight I sit here thinking about all the relationships in my life. I can't help but feel a hurt from the loss of those that I love. It makes me thankful for those that I'm allowed to love freely. Friendship, love, relationships, and understanding are all beautiful things.

Hey guys! How's it all going? Um pretty good here ( I think). There's a lot going on as usual, but nothing that I really have time to mention right now. I will though (I think). And yes, I know that I'm putting off making remarks about MJ's death. I'll do that at some point to. Just wanted to say hello really quick.

Okay, I need to get going. I have somewhere I have to be at and I'm still in jammies, so time to get a move on. Ugh.

Have a great day and be well!

-AA

Okay, I just started watching Rescue Me. I know, it's the 5th season. Anybody have thoughts on if I should go all the way back to the beginning?

Happy Father's Day to all. You know, I said it last year.....father's come in many forms.

These past few days have been a little worrisome. Not because of events of the last few days, but because of events happening in the next few days. Does that make sense. My father-in-law is having surgery to have his cancer removed. He finished chemo and radiation, so now this should be the end. I hope. O, even though on shore duty, left for sea today. He's riding someone else's boat. He'll be back soon, but I hate that he's not around when his dad is the one having surgery. I know he's worried.

The other worrisome part of my days has been that my youngest daughter Bria is going to see a pediatric rheumatologist tomorrow. She has been complaining for some time about pain in her bones and joints. She's convinced that she has leukemia. We went to her primary care doctor and he did a full blood workup on her. The Nuclear Antibody Panel came back positive. That means possible Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. But like I said, she's convinced she has cancer. I'm sure reading 'My Sister's Keeper' 83,000 times doesn't help from fueling her imagination. So, tomorrow we go. I'm sure there will be a slue of questions and blood work. We just have to do on from there. I just want peace. I want answers. I want my baby girl to be healthy. You know? Isn't that all we ever want?

So, on top of those two things, my older daughter Carlie is leaving Tuesday to fly to Pensacola BY HERSELF! EEK!!!!! I'm not ready for this. I just hope that icky people leave her alone, God carries the plane in his hands,and she has a fun time with her friends.

I just kind of have to sit and wait. Wait and see how it all turns out. *sigh (I'm not very good at sitting back and waiting.)If you believe in something or someone, please pray that all goes well. I have hope that it will. And faith. Until I get some answers on things, I'll just focus on other things (yeah, right). I still think that things could be worse, so I'm focusing on the good things that I see.

Please be well. Enjoy the day and know that you are loved. And remember, LiveSTRONG.

Peace and Love,
Aims

I really would very much just like a hug. A big huge hug.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting and watching, while everyone else is having the life they want. I guess it's nobody's fault but my own. One day I'll make the choice.

I'm sitting here on a late Saturday night watching Baby Momma with Bria. I'm really relaxed because I had a margarita. Bria is chatting it up and all I hear is the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher. Rude I know, but honest. Other than that, all I can think about is how much my right ear hurts. The question is, is it allergies or an infection. Eek.

I think I'm gonna put jammies on and go look at magazines till I pass out. I went out last night and tonight and I'm old, so I'm going to bed. Tada!

Sleep tight lovelies!

Hey Guys, how's it going? I'm doing pretty well. I've been MIA, I know. I'm sorry. I just hate that every time I blog, I get damn Russian bots that bombard my account. Do I dare consider a move to Blogger or Wordpress. I love my friends here, but if any of you guys have accounts somewhere else, then tell me, cause I'll move too.

Everything has been jivin' and cool since school finished. I had a great graduation, and enjoyed a fabulous party with friends and family. The only thing is that we got everything ready outside and then just as all the food was ready there were mega thunderstorms. Yeah, I know, fun right? But it was all cool. My house was a little bit crowded. So anyways, I've enjoyed relaxing. I'm not doing anything this summer but relaxing and then I'll find a job. If the market will allow anyways.

I'm going to take a few little trips soon. Can you say Shakespeare in the Park!!!!!!! NYC here I come! So I'm doing that, and then some other small trips. I accepting ideas if anyone has any. I've been tied down for so long by schedules and just stuff. You know, stuff? So I'm ready to go out and enjoy no schedules and just go play, explore and be free. Mmmmmmm sounds yummy huh?

The only downer has been my leg. So here's the deal. A nerve got pinched in my S1 S2 area and my leg freaked out. It did the whole cramp thing, spasm, and then I was limping, and gimping. But now I'm in physical therapy and it's getting a lot better. I go twice a week. I walk normal, which is awesome. I'm so thankful for that. I still can only lift up on my leg, like on tiptoes two times and then I crap out can't do it right. Know what I mean? It's so, but coming along better. I just have to keep working at it. It makes me thankful for the ability I do have, and it makes me want to make sure I can keep myself moving and working right.

Okay peeps, I really really need to get going. Let me know if I should stay here or move somewhere else. Okay? Have a fantastic weekend and just know that somebody loves you and you are amazing!!!

Mwah,
Aims

Has anyone read Losing Ground by Charles Murray? This book was recommended to me and I wanted to get thoughts.

Thanks

Hey Lovies! Today is Friday and that means just a few more days until graduation. Today I'm going shopping to see what I can wear under that gown. I'm not the type to dawn my birthday suit. Thank goodness for that! The other plans of the day are to go and see Night at the Museum. We're all a flutter about that finally coming out. Owen Wilson is just the cutest thing in that.

In other news....

My mom flew in on Wednesday. So far so good.

There have been little birdies in the wreath on my front door. I think maybe within the next week they will be old enough to fly off. Then I can clean all the shit off of my door. Nice, I know.

I love spring. That's not really news, but I just wanted to bring that up.

Somebody needs to think about 8 kids and stop talking about the issues with Jon and Kate (of the Plus 8 fame).

I'm a zombie today because I went to bed at 3 and woke up at 6. Nuts.
Time to get some coffee.

Finals officially start today. I'm ready. Ready to be finished. It has been a very long road....one I started on in 1992. I know. But I made the choice to be a wife, and a mother first. Over time, I gathered credits and colleges. I even changed my major 3 times or so. I'm still not sure that I chose the right thing, but I know that in one way or another this one fits. Is it the one that will make me most happy? I already know the answer to that is 'no'.

So, this is it. The end.

My mom is flying in on Wednesday and will spend a week here. As far as I know she's the only one coming for graduation (which is on Sunday). I guess I'm a little bothered about that, but that's the way it is, so I just will have to be okay with it. Reasons are reasons and I know that my family loves me despite not coming.

I'm looking forward to reading books I WANT to read rather than ones I'm forced to read. I'm looking forward to doing projects around the house. And finally, I'm looking forward to taking some relaxing trips!!! No doubt I'll be going where the sun is, cause it sure isn't here!

Okay, I need to finish getting ready to head to the campus. I see the light. I see the light.

Today is Monday!!!!!! I'm so excited only because classes end Wednesday! I have so much to do between now and then. Seriously. But it'll all work out. My problem is that I can't be at home to do any of my work, because I will do everything but homework. You know what I mean? I just hope I can F-O-C-U-S. Dear Lord, give me some focus!

In other news- there really is not other news. I had a nice Mother's Day. We hung out, went to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I took a nap, and then watched some of my favorite shows. Nothing major, which is totally cool with me. As a gift they got me two beads for my Pandora bracelet. One of them is a little chickie!!!! So so cute.

Anywho,I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I'm trying to get better about writing. For now, I have to go.

Happy Marketing Day! Oh, Mother's Day. First of all, I want to say that I'm so sorry to anyone who has lost their mother. I'm sending hugs your way. I'm not really a big fan of days like this. I just feel that it's a chance to bring up pain, or cause pain- cause God forbid you didn't buy a gift, or the right gift. I think that maybe its the most special to people (yes, people) who are new moms. I'm sure this day has a little extra zing for them. Whatever the situation is in your life, I hope you have an amazing day. Period. You are here. Your alive. And there is purpose in your breath.  Be well and smile.

Love,
Amy

Coming down to the wire with school. Everything is due by the 13th. Finals start the 18th.

Deep breath. I can do this.

Dear God,

If you could just take an eraser to today, I would greatly appreciate it. I know that we're supposed to learn something or become stronger people from some of the stuff we have to go through, but really, what happened today really doesn't help anyone. Oh, and if tomorrow could be at least 80% better I would be so so happy.

Thanks,
Amy

I don't volunteer at the present time. I have in the past and will do so again.

We do give to various charitable organizations. Most of them on a regular basis. Right now we give money for cancer research since it has had a major impact on my family and now O's. We also give money to support local non-profits that help with foster children. I have also given money to help with the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in D.C..

Well...here I am. I've sort of been a bit of a mess lately. Not a huge mess, but I'll explain.

First of all, for whatever reason, I've been dealing with pain in my right leg. This could or could not have had to do with pain in my back to which I went to the chiropractor to have adjusted. I felt much better after the adjustment but then a few days later experienced cramps and spasms in my leg. I also felt this sharp pain shooting down my leg. I would go back to the chiropractor and get adjusted and slowly the pain is going away. The only thing left is that I have numbness in my toes and a burning feeling in my hamstring. As part of this I have lost the ability to walk on my tip toes. When I step with my right foot, it drops. Meaning the ankle isn't supporting the weight. I am now going to see a neurologist to see what's up. I'm going to see about getting an MRI so maybe they can see what's going on. So, through all of this I have been a bit lost. Engrossed in the pain and the worry. Worry that I'll never walk normal again or if maybe this is ALS or something. I've been doing my best to focus on the positive. For the most part I don't have a problem with that.

When seeing my therapist I talked to her about what was going on. I let her know that I don't want to get lost in the worry. She asked how I deal with it when I talk to others. I tell them the facts and that's about it. She pointed out that I am putting on a 'mask'....that I tend to just gloss over my feelings because I don't think that people will really care about how I feel. Of course she asked me where this came from and of course it seems to come from my childhood. All of my feelings didn't seem to matter compared to everything else everyone was going through. She challenged me to be mindful of that and to share my feelings. So here they are.....

I am worried about my leg. Worried that it's going to get worse and not better. Worried that I'm going to have to live with pain and the demoralizing feeling of people looking at me with weird looks because I limp and because I'm slow. I wonder if I'm strong enough to deal with this. I also hate myself for wanting to workout now. Why now? Why not while I was perfectly healthy? I also know that with feeling all of the pain and frustration of this, I've been becoming distant. I would rather sleep or just veg out than feel the pain or deal with all of it. I haven't been focusing on school and have been looking to food for comfort. (It was established that in the past I felt that when nobody else was there,food was always there for me to provide me with comfort.)

My therapist recommended that I focus on being mindful and present in every moment. I am getting better about making awarenesses. Meaning that I recognize when I experience something that makes in impact on my personal growth. I don't know if I explained that right, but that's the best I can think to explain it. But even though I have an awareness I tend to make choices that don't always benefit me. She told me that as I become mindful and change my behavior, that I'll have to find something to replace what I'm changing. IE, if I stop making using food for comfort, what will I use? So, that's the hard part. Is it exercise? Is it meditation or a new social outlet? It has to be something. I just have to figure out what that is. As I find self-fulfillment I will rely less on masking my true self, using sleep and food for comfort, and relationships. All of these things will then compliment my life and will then be 'the sugar on top'.

Part of why I think I've been away is because I don't really feel like doing much of anything. Maybe as I realize how being a zombie has removed me from things, I'll be more apt to change and will come to the mindfulness that my therapist is challenging me to find.

I'm not really sure why I put all of this out there, or if it makes any sense, but I've always prided myself with being very open as a person. If you believe in prayer, I ask that you pray for healing in my leg and foot. I also ask that you pray that I will gain understanding and growth from all that's going on. I certainly know that things could be much worse. I don't pitty myself too much. I do however want to learn everything I can while going through all of this. It would be such a waste if I didn't. Right?